"Battleships" by A. Monaghan

We were lying on our stomachs face to face
playing a game of battleships.

It was America versus the Japs, he was America
and I was the Japs (as always when it came to the
Pacific campaign).

As I went to place a dud,
white peg on my attack radar board,
he asked, "How did you get those purple scars
on your arms dad, was it in a war?"

He's past seven years old now, a tricky age.
I had read in a parenting book, that at this
age with boys, honesty was always the best
road to go down. I decided to be honest.

"I did those scars myself, when I was crazy
and sad. You where very young then," I explained.

"How?" he asked.

"Well, you know that sharp sharp knife that you
aren't allowed to use unless a grown up is helping
you? Well that's how."

"Why? he asked.

"Because I was crazy and sad at the time. I cut myself
to stop being crazy and sad."

"Do all grown ups make scars, will I make scars?" he asked.

"I don't know." I replied. "Maybe other grown ups do other things
when they are crazy and sad, but I don't think you will do it."

"Did it hurt dad?" he asked.

"No, not at the time, but it did hurt later," I replied.

"Does it still hurt?" he asked.

"Yep, but in a different way than when I actually cut myself, it hurts
more inside than outside," I tried to explain.

"Can I kiss it better, like when you kiss it better when I hurt
myself playing?" he asked.

"Sure thing," I replied. "That would help."

As he leaned over the two opposing battleship boards,
he took a long good look at my fleet.

He kissed the dark red scar on my bi-cep and returned to his side
of the game.

Two moves later he sank my destroyer!

Kids are much sharper than we give them credit for...he won the game.

Self Harm/Cutting/Scarification...

On the surface of it, to any sane and normal person, the thought of taking a knife, or a heated piece of metal and mutilating one's own body must seem like madness. Let me assure it is quite the opposite, the very opposite off madness. Madness denotes something that is out of ones own control, being out of control, out of ones mind, other, away from oneself. Self harm/cutting/branding etc is about control and is, in my own experience carried out by people not only in their right mind, but by people controlling not only there minds but their bodies and at  times their very lives, for often the other option is suicide, which in itself is also the ultimate act of control over ones own life and body. Let me make a point here, and let me make it clear...I am not in  any way glorifying self mutilation, for want of a better term, psychiatrists are still trying to come up with some nicer academic term....and there is nothing heroic or admirable about taking a knife and slicing your own skin, your own muscle, but it is a reality and often it is survival. Like Anorexics who try to control their minds and bodies by controlling the amount of food they will or wont allow themselves to abide, people who self harm control their emotions and their world by the amount of pain they inflict upon themselves. Pain becomes a way of regulating emotions. Anxiety (that pathetic term for what in reality is living hell), deep depression, suicidal thoughts, all these are stroked away and dispelled with a swift self inflicted wound. It sounds insane, but it makes perfect sense to the person doing it. It is a private, guilty, desperate act...but often it is the one thing that makes the world make sense.


So who does this 'awful' thing. Sad, self pitying Goths? Attention seeking spoiled teenagers (more of this later), anorexic type body conscious want to be skinny models, angry youths, lonely housewives in an out of control world, spoiled rock stars, high flying execs bored of sex and cocaine, normal men and women who have no other outlet for their emotions, priests, nurses, teachers, bus drivers, shop assistants, hard men, soft men, closeted homosexuals, religious fanatics...all of these and more of course. In short normal folk like you and me.


You would be surprised. A word about attention seeking behaviour...after spending a whole weekend cutting myself repeatedly and trying to dress and clean the wounds for the next week, in order that no one else would find out about what I had done to myself, and after my arm had swollen to twice it's size and was obviously badly infected,  I reluctantly went to my G.P. for help. I had a fever, was out of my mind with pain and of course was sent to A and E...After a doctor had cleaned and dressed my wounds, and set me aside for "Psychiatric Assessment", a young nurse came to ask some questions...one of the first things she said to me was "Attention seeking at your age....etc" I had nothing to say in reply, I wanted to leave but wasn't allowed as I was deemed a danger to myself. I can see why, but that nurses words were the most damaging thing in the whole episode....


So where does this leave us? Obviously self harm, like any extremes of behaviour needs to be addressed and dealt with. There is lots of help out there and reaching out is always the first step...but like a lot of things in this life, there's more to it than meets the eye, and I wonder about all those 'normal' folks out there who cover themselves in tattoo's and piercings. Is there that much off a difference between all these kinds of behaviours?
We make sense of our lives and emotions in many varied and individual ways. To judge one against the other, the normal as opposed the abnormal? I believe that takes us into the realm of prejudice, ignorance and alienation. I hope that anyone who reads this who is struggling with any kind of emotional dilemma finds the strength to reach out and get the help they deserve. This is not meant to shock in anyway, it's life, and life is sometimes raw and complicated, but that doesn't mean it can't be beautiful and simple in the end...