Onan – Patron Saint of Masturbation

The story of Onan as illustrated by Robert Crumb

Onanism: noun formal,
1. masturbation.
2. coitus interruptus.
The story of Onan is one of those dark, and often forgotten biblical side roads which deserves illumination.
While his story may not be as heroic as say that off John the Baptist and Salome, it's impact on teenage boys and grown up teenage boys has long been felt down the ages, no pun or double entendre intended.

So, who was Onan? Well, according to the Book of Genesis, Chapter 38, he was the second son of Judah, and the brother of Er. Now Er upset the God's and was sentenced to death by Yahweh for the sin of wickedness. After Er's death, Judah asked Onan to fulfill his duty as a brother-in-law to Tamar, Er's widow. As was the custom of the time, the brother of the deceased would provide offspring to the childless widow to preserve the family line.


Well, Onan had a bit of problem with this. He didn't like the idea of a child being born that would not legally be his heir, so he committed the mortal sin of spilling his seed (shooting his load, spitting his mustard etc) onto the ground. Now, Onan obviously had the hots for Tamar because he did this a number of times, but his fate had been sealed and like his brother before him he was sentenced to death by Yaweh for his wickedness. As time went by, the sin of 'wasting one's seed' became known as Onan's curse, although I would see it more of a blessing myself, but not for poor Onan.


Onan's curse developed into a widespread fear of masturbation, primarily in the 1700s and 1800s. At times it was believed by doctors of theology and medicine (who of course never once tickled their own trouser snake) to lead to mental and general health illnesses, vomiting, nausea, indigestion (that must explain the cause of my never ending acid reflux problem), epilepsy, pimples, blindness and even insanity, not to mention hairs growing on the palms of your hands,"But wouldn't they just get rubbed off again doctor"?


I'll leave the last word to Author Christopher Moore, and a quote from his book 'Lamb: The Gospel According to Biff, Christ’s Childhood Pal'.

""The sin of Onan. Spilling the old seed on the ground. Cuffing the camel. Dusting the donkey. Flogging the Pharisee. Onanism, a sin that requires hundreds of hours of practice to get right, or at least that's what I told myself."